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Going through some of my email archives and came across this:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

I’m thinking after my previous post I should reassure the world that I have not lost my sense of humor. Which is a good thing seeing as how often my life feels like a joke. Ha Ha!

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A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are playing darts at Dolce Vita in Itaewon (you guys know who you are, so I won’t mention any names…).

“Y’know” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wonderful little bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he’ll buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.”

“Ahhhhh, that’s nothing, laddies,” said the Irishman.

“Back home in me own Dublin, there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s claims. But he swears every word is true.

“Well,” said the Englishman, “did this actually happen to you?”

“Not to me meself, personally, no,” said the Irishman… “but it did happen to me sister.”

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I don’t care much for the ‘boys, and really don’t care who wins the Super Bowl. But this fan’s reaction to the Giants upset of Dallas has to be seen to be believed…

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Now and again I come across a commercial that strikes my fancy. I mean if you gotta sit through the damn things, at least you should be entertained, right? A unique idea, interesting locations, good photography, wit and/or humor, and of course sex are all ingredients of a successful advertisement. It is rare indeed when all of these elements come together in a single ad. So, kudos to the folks at Scruff’s Hardwear, manufacturers of construction clothing in the UK, for this outstanding commercial.

Pretty well done, eh? Gotta hand it to the Brits on this one.

But, you may have noticed I tagged this post in the “humor” and “politics” category. If you are wondering why, I’m glad you asked. It seems that the attractive blonde woman in the first vignette went on to become an English teacher at an academy in Manchester. At least until some of her students recognized her from her work in television. She is currently under suspension while the school board decides her future at their institution of enlightenment. You can read about it here. Pretty f’d up in my view.

Speaking of ads, here’s a photo of a Target billboard in Times Square.

Believe it or not, this innocuous advertisement has the feminists loudly complaining that the model’s placement “objectifies” women. Umm, I don’t see that, do you? Amy Alkon has a good post on this subject that shines a bright light on the ignorance of our would-be liberal overseers.

As a commenter on Ms. Alkon’s blog notes:

I’m sure it’s a great comfort to the women in jail in the Middle East for the “crime” of being raped that Western feminists care so deeply about the placement of a well-paid, fully dressed model on a corporate billboard.

Precisely.

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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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This is pretty damn funny. The website is in Portuguese, but I’m sure anyone smart enough to read LTG will be able to figure out that you put your first name in the first block and your last name in the second block. The other blocks are optional.

Enjoy!

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Most likely my visitors from Korea have already seen this video clip. But for those of you who have not, go have a look! This is hilarious on so many levels. Even if you haven’t actually lived here it will make you laugh. But for those of us who have had the good fortune (and I mean that sincerely) to observe Korean society up close and personal its killer funny.

So say I and so it must be.

Hat Tip: Occidentalism

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Here’s a short video clip of a home version of darts I don’t expect I will be trying anytime soon.

I did play in the Dolce Vita tourney last night. First round I was eliminated by Petro, but in the second tournament I drew Petro as my partner and we took first. Go figure.

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Not me, Stephen Colbert. Check it out.

Hat Tip: Lao Ocean Girl

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But at least I got to see the video. Now you can too!

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Hell, I am staying. Looks like I made it over the hump at least….

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Moxie links to this hilarious video from Penn and Teller. Funny and sad. People are such dupes, but given the consequences of ignorance we all eventually pay the price.

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For the next two years. Handed over $109,000 cash. Hard to let it go, but it wasn’t mine anyway.

My buddy Rob who is currently spending his time in the sandbox (Iraq) sent me some tips on living a healthy life:

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “Woo Hoo, what a ride!”

So based on this, I must be one healthy m’f'er. Glad to see Rob still has his sense of humor. I will take that as a good sign.

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My Korean language skills are next to non-existent but someone sent me this Chinese lesson and it seems like it may be easier to learn….

Learning how to speak Chinese is really very easy

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)

ENGLISH — CHINESE

That’s not right — Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? — Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP — Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man — Dum Fuk

Small Horse — Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? — Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table — Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift — Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here — Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet — Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone — No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week — Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight — Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile — Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive — Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great — Fa Kin Su Pa

I don’t know, maybe this is not PC. I’d hate to be lumped in with Rosie O’Donnell. Then again, if you can’t take a joke, phook yu.

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Well, being back home on a Sunday means doing the things I can’t do in Korea. One of those is reading the Sunday Washington Post. And having a home cooked pot roast. But let’s focus on the newspaper for now.

Actually the Post, although not nearly as blatant as the NY Times, tends to piss me off with its liberal bias. But what are you gonna do? They have a decent sports section and the comics are good. Plus, you get the Washington Post Magazine as well. So there are things to enjoy if you are willing to look hard enough. Anyway, one of the writers I particularly like is Gene Weingarten. He is normally quite witty and I was looking forward to his regular column in the Sunday Magazine. Imagine my surprise and delight to find he had penned a Christmas play at the request of a reader who teaches English in Seoul. Here’s the link, but since I went to the trouble of finding the column online, I am going to take the liberty of reprinting it in full here. I’m thinking since I’m such a big fan Mr. Weingarten (and the Post lawyers) will forgive me if I have exceeded the “fair use” limitations. I hope you enjoy:

Three Wise Men and One Dope
Gene writes a Christmas pageant

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, December 24, 2006; W36

Dear Gene: I have been in Seoul, Republic of Korea, for three days. I am here teaching English to 6-year-olds and have just been informed that I must write a short Christmas play for eight students. I must confess that I am a heathen and know little of this Christmas spirit. Can you help? There must be exactly eight roles.

– Onno Savage

“The Seoul of Christmas”

A Play in One Act

Cast: Mary, Joseph, First Wise Man, Second Wise Man, Third Wise Man, Little Drummer Boy, a Lamb and Frankenstein’s Monster.

Scene opens in a manger.

Mary: We have a baby boy!

Joseph: What shall we name him?

Little Drummer Boy: How about Park Kim Lee Ji-Soo?

Mary: That is a fine name. We’ll just call him Ji-Soo.

First Wise Man: Here is some gold, Baby Ji-Soo.

Second Wise Man: What are you, crazy? Who gives gold to a baby?

First Wise Man: Well, what did YOU bring, wise guy?

Second Wise Man: Myrrh.

First Wise Man: What is that?

Second Wise Man: It is an aromatic resin often burned at funerals to hide the smell of rotting corpses.

First Wise Man: Oh, that’s a LOT better.

Third Wise Man: Well, I brought this.

(Third Wise Man goes behind a tree, emerges with Frankenstein’s Monster. Sound of crying from the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: You idiot. It was supposed to be frankincense. Take that thing away.

(Third Wise Man exits with the monster. Baby quiets down.)

Little Drummer Boy: Behold, there is a giant light in the sky!

(All the other characters immediately dive for cover.)

Little Drummer Boy: No, it’s okay. We’re not being nuked by Kim Jong Il. It’s just a very bright star.

(Everyone gets up.)

Lamb: It is proclaiming the birth of a newborn king. Joy to the world!

Everyone: Joy to the world!

First Wise Man: (to Second Wise Man) Did you know lambs can talk?

Second Wise Man: No, but if you hum a few baas I can fake it.

(Little Drummer Boy plays a rimshot.)

(Third Wise Man returns.)

Third Wise Man: So why are we here, again?

First Wise Man: To adore the baby.

(Three Wise Men gather around the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: He’s definitely adorable.

First Wise Man: Yep.

Third Wise Man: He looks just like Winston Churchill.

(All the other characters stare at Third Wise Man.)

First Wise Man: Let’s hope he grows up strong and wise and just.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Second Wise Man: And filled with peace and goodwill for mankind.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Third Wise Man: With a really forgiving sense of humor.

Everyone: (loudly) AMEN!

Gene Weingarten’s e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Still ten minutes to Christmas here in Virginia, but I’m staying up to see if Santa comes. I’ve been more nice than naughty this year. Honest.

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Damn, it turned cold in a hurry. All the buildings are decked out in Christmas lights. So, I guess its time to be thinking about the origins of all those old Christmas traditions. Here’s one I got on email the other day…

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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But finding some fun stuff out there on the Inter Nets. Like this commerical. Enjoy.

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I guess this is what it is coming to….

I guess it could be good or bad, depending on who you are sitting with. Might even make the middle seat more palatable….

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I thought this was pretty funny…..

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question….

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — silence –
HUSBAND: “shit.”

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